On decisions

Tawnya said in the comments trail:

"It's so weird not to have you posting a lot and commenting everywhere!" And this morning she sent me an e-mail commenting that she was sure that this post of hers would bring me out of studying and back to commenting and since it did not, was I ok?

The quick answer would be, no. The long and real answer would take awhile and is not something I want to go into in public.

The in between answer is that I have to make a decision. Actually, I have made the decision, and all that is left is the doing of it. I know what I am going to do, in the end, but the ramifications of doing it are huge. The costs, both in real money and those intangible will be felt for years. And I am afraid. Afraid for me. Afraid for my children. Afraid to trust the Lord that it will be alright-eventually. And so I put it off... again.

Then the self doubt creeps in. I start to second guess my decision. What if it is the wrong one? What if the promised blessings come only if I do the opposite thing? And the opposite thing is the thing of nightmares, believe me and the thing that I most do not want to do. And then I feel paralyzed by this thought process and so I do nothing..... again. I am sure the Lord is weary of hearing me on this subject. Constant crying, pleading, begging for help. Constant requests for reassurance. Not to mention the myriad times I have asked "Why?" Why, why, why? Haven't I done everything I was supposed to? Haven't I tried? And the heavens appear silent.

And I want to pout because I want it to be my way- the easy way- the no pain and suffering way. Let me walk the rosy path and always be happy way. But I don't get my way and I try very hard not to pout like a petulant child. That serves nothing but to drive the spirit farther away.

So I quit whining, pull out my scriptures, read them again, get on my knees and pray. But this time it is a repentant prayer for my childish behavior before. Yes I know that life is not always easy. Yes I know that He could have given me another answer 5 years ago and I would not be having to make this decision today. But I also would not be the person I am today without the trials of the last 5 years. And sometimes, our decisions have to be made because of the unrighteous choices of others. And no, it is not fair, but it is life.

So for the month of Nov. I decided that I am going to try and find one thing each day that I am thankful for and post it here. I may not do long posting, but I will do a short one each day. And who knows, now that I have actually made the decision I might be able to feel some peace and calmness in my life. And who knows, perhaps I'll even have a day with no tears.

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Indeed.