I don't get why I always feel this way. Really.
I have a friend that told me the other day that I inspire her. Really?
My counselor told me during our last session, after I told him some feelings that I have never dared say outloud because only someone that has gone through what I have would understand, that I inspire him. Huh?
My bishop told me the other day that he thinks I am amazing and am an inspiration to him. Really? Me?
I had a customer come through my line Saturday and tell me that she was glad I was working. And that everytime she comes to the store she walks by every register to see if I am there so she can go through my line because she prefers the way I handle a transaction. And I would be creeped out and be feeling stalked if she were the only customer to tell me that, but she isn't. And I don't get it. What is so special about me?
Today at work one of the managers took me aside and told me that the other team members really like me and they all want to work the same shift as I do and that they could not say enough good things about me and he just wanted me to know that. Me?, Why?
And I just don't get it. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. Like the girl that is invited to the party because the mom made you send me an invitation. Like if I wasn't there no one would notice. Or care.
And if I am so wonderful, nice, efficient or whatever then why do I feel like my whole life is a mess? Falling apart? A failure?
And I could give you evidence for why that is true, because we all know that when we believe something we start looking for evidence to prove it to ourselves. Like how I don't have a full time counseling job. How my house is never as clean as I would like it. How I failed at the most important relationship in life. How...
Never mind that my head tells me that I will get a counseling job. That the economy will change, hopefully for the better, that someone will retire, or leave or there are new schools being built and I will find the right position. Eventually. Somewhere. My heart still doubts.
Or that my house is not condemable and I am slowly making progress and that the last 3 years I was working full time, going to school full time and trying to do what I had to do and that I can only do what I can do. My heart still tells me it is not good enough.
Or that intellectually I know that the failure had more to do with his issues and selfishness than anything I did or didn't do and even if I had been perfect in everyway it still wouldn't have mattered. My heart still says- "fail, fail, fail!"
So when I hear things that tell me otherwise, I don't get it and I feel a bit like Sally Fields.
Why are some people always happy and others always sad and then there are those that are somewhere inbetween? Why is that? Is it heredity, circumstance, a choice, just the way we are, or what? I think that it is a jumbled up mix of all of them. You know, a heaping portion of heredity, add in a cup of circumstance, 1/4 tsp. of choice. Stir them altogether, insert in warm blanket, add a dollop of tears and let stew. Take out of blanket only when life insists that you have to face it head on or the roof will collapse down around your ears.
Or something like that.
I graduated from BYU 3 1/2 years ago with a degree in Psychology. I have been thinking about going back to school to get my masters or Ph.D. but was not sure in what. So I sort of put it on the back burner for a while. I have always loved working with children (hence the education degree, the 7 kids, and now working in a jr. high). I have always been the type of person that people tell things too. And it seems that the things I say or advice or listening ear I give help.
I have been helping a student at school that has some issues to deal with. One of my children has to deal with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with depression and panic attacks. I deal with depression (we had a lesson about it in church last month- I wasn't there for it, I was too depressed to get out of bed, but heard about it. I'll tell you about it in another post). I even started another blog where my intent was to give helps for dealing with some of these things. So far I have mostly just whined and was thinking last week about getting started on changing it to what I really intended.
Kimberly over at Temporary? Insanity wrote a post on feeling blue. It started me thinking about this whole process again. Then my friend wrote me and asked me about where to go to find help for another of her friends. Then a relative wrote and told me that one of their children was not going to be able to do something that he really wanted to do, because of panic attacks, anxiety and depression.
So in some soul searching, Well not really, it was kind of one of those things I just knew, I have decided to get back to: * seriously writing and posting on the other blog. *seriously posting about these issues once in a while here. *go back to school and get my master's or Ph.D. with an emphesis in Depressive Disorders because really, when it comes down to it, It's not all in your head. Not everyone can just decide to be happy and be happy and I want to help others cope and deal with life on a real, not superficial or dysfunctional level. We all deserve to live the best life we can. And if I can help you get out of your head on into your life, then maybe today will be just a bit brighter.
I just read Michelle's post today. It is very relevant to this topic.
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