Monday, August 8, 2011

I don't get it

Remeber this?

I don't get why I always feel this way. Really.
I have a friend that told me the other day that I inspire her. Really?

My counselor told me during our last session, after I told him some feelings that I have never dared say outloud because only someone that has gone through what I have would understand, that I inspire him. Huh?

My bishop told me the other day that he thinks I am amazing and am an inspiration to him. Really? Me?

I had a customer come through my line Saturday and tell me that she was glad I was working. And that everytime she comes to the store she walks by every register to see if I am there so she can go through my line because she prefers the way I handle a transaction. And I would be creeped out and be feeling stalked if she were the only customer to tell me that, but she isn't. And I don't get it. What is so special about me?

Today at work one of the managers took me aside and told me that the other team members really like me and they all want to work the same shift as I do and that they could not say enough good things about me and he just wanted me to know that. Me?, Why?

And I just don't get it. I always feel like I am on the outside looking in. Like the girl that is invited to the party because the mom made you send me an invitation. Like if I wasn't there no one would notice. Or care.

And if I am so wonderful, nice, efficient or whatever then why do I feel like my whole life is a mess? Falling apart? A failure?

And I could give you evidence for why that is true, because we all know that when we believe something we start looking for evidence to prove it to ourselves. Like how I don't have a full time counseling job. How my house is never as clean as I would like it. How I failed at the most important relationship in life. How...

Never mind that my head tells me that I will get a counseling job. That the economy will change, hopefully for the better, that someone will retire, or leave or there are new schools being built and I will find the right position. Eventually. Somewhere. My heart still doubts.

Or that my house is not condemable and I am slowly making progress and that the last 3 years I was working full time, going to school full time and trying to do what I had to do and that I can only do what I can do. My heart still tells me it is not good enough.

Or that intellectually I know that the failure had more to do with his issues and selfishness than anything I did or didn't do and even if I had been perfect in everyway it still wouldn't have mattered. My heart still says- "fail, fail, fail!"

So when I hear things that tell me otherwise, I don't get it and I feel a bit like Sally Fields.



Noelle said...

I wish that you could see yourself the way so many other people...including myself...see you. You ARE amazing and strong and full of goodness and love and light. I'm glad I know you!

G. Parker said...

I know totally how you feel. But ya know, listen to those around you that are telling you these good things. Don't get a big head about it, but take it down inside and remember how much your Heavenly Father loves you and is sending you spots of love through each one of these people. You are the bright spot in their day! Just think...I don't even know you that well, only through you selling the perfume stuff. But I consider you a friend. I feel like you would be there for me if I needed you. (crazy, I know)
Smile and feel some warmth in your heart. You are loved.