Ecclesiastes 3
My sister picks a word to live by and to help guide her life each year. A fews years ago I adopted that practice for my life. I had no clue the paths that would take me. Last year I knew where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to get there and it was with that in mind that I chose Living with Integrity as my guide for the year.
I am no where near where I thought I would be today. In fact I am at a place I would never have dreamed working on things I thought were beyond hope, with understanding far beyond anything I could imagine. I know that there are those in my life that do not understand where I am, but unless you walked my journey you cannot understand it (I barely understand it).
2011 was a hard, hard year for my family. Our hearts were ripped out, stomped on and ravaged in ways we never believed possible. We learned to really and truly forgive, we learned about accountability and responsibility, we learned about what love is and what it isn't, we learned about psychological disorders and illness and the differences between those disorders that are choices and those that are not, we learned about acceptance, we learned about prayer and how to truly pray for what you want and not just pray, we learned how to figure out what it is you really want, and we are trying to learn to trust in the Lord.
Someday I'll tell you the story, but right now it is not all my story to tell.
It was with all of that in mind that I began searching for what I wanted 2012 to be, who I want to be, where I want my family to be and who I want it to become.
I picked and discarded at least a dozen words until one day it just came to me: Ecclesiatstes 3, the entire chapter, but verse 3 in particular- A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up
This is a year that we, I, need to heal. There was a time I knew what that meant, but after this last month of prayer and contemplation and cummonion with the Lord, I am not sure I know anymore. I do know that there are specific areas of my life that need healed:
work, bank account, relationships, my body and health. And there are ways that I think they should be healed, but I don't believe that any of that will be what really happens. Simply because I know that what I know, and what I can see right now, is not the big picture. So as I go forward I will try to trust the Lord and do as He asks and directs, but I will keep in mind that when I pray, I am asking Him to help me heal these areas in my life in His way.
Theme for the family to help guide family home evenings this year: we chose Listening to and living by the Spirit
I was talking with the kids' father the other day about the horribleness of 2011. I told him I was sorry that the biggest thing in our lives happened, but I was happy for one reason, it started us talking and dealing with issues we have been sweeping away for decades and ignoring, hoping they would just go away. He agreed that that part is a good thing. Right now we are not sure what we are going to do with those things, but I do know that they are going to be part of the healing of 2012- no matter what path that takes us.
** on another note, today I was going to post pictures of Brandi's first haircut. A couple of months ago I turned the caring of her hair over to her. She is 12 now and doing her hair is time consuming and hard and she would balk when I told her it was time to do it. With me working 2 jobs I no longer have time to fight her over doing her hair. 2 months ago she had a full head of beautiful hair. Today when we got to the beauty shop and the beautician took the pony tail holders out and I saw what was there, I cried.
Brandi has long hair in the front part of her head, about a 4 inch swath. She then has 3 pony tail patches in the back and the rest of her head is covered in scalp length baby down hair where it has broken off at the root. I didn't know because she keeps it pulled back in a pony tail so it covers the missing hair. She didn't realize it had broken off either.
The beautician gave us the choice of cutting it all off the same length and starting over or leaving it and wearing it in a pony tail all the time to cover it. Brandi started crying and asked to leave so we did. She has spent the last 3 hours crying. So have I. I know it is because she didn't listen to me about what to do and when to do it, but I can't tell her that right now because it would sound too much like, "I told you so". If I had chosen, I would have had it all cut to the same length, but this is her hair and has to be her choice, which I am sure she will make in a couple of weeks, but until then, my heart is hurting for my baby. So much of a woman's identity is in her hair, and when you have black hair, you have so few choices and this is so hard for her.
Let the healing begin.
Indeed
Showing posts with label word of the year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label word of the year. Show all posts
Monday, January 2, 2012
Monday, December 27, 2010
Seasons endings and beginnings
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
If you know me at all you would know that I don't do new year's resolutions but that if I need a change, I change. However, I still like to take stock at the end of one year and the beginning of another and see where I've been and then make plans for where I want my next 12 months to take me. Though, I can only see a small way into that journey and the path always takes places I had not planned and could not forsee. Sometimes I walk the path easily and other times I have to be pulled kicking and screaming and murmuring. But somehow I seem to be able to put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding on, and on, and on.
To tell the truth, lately that is how my journey feels- plodding through miles and miles of thick, goopy mud. The kind that sucks your shoes off with each step with that loud slurping noise until you pull your foot out with a pop. And if you are lucky enough to still have your shoe, you have a thick layer of goop stuck on the bottom that you try to fling off, but only end up getting covered in the goop and you are left messy, goopy and shoeless and want to sit down on a rock and cry. Except that just leaves mascara streaks mingled with all the mud and goop.
I have a sister that chooses a word of the year each year. And then she tries to live up to that word. I have done something like that in the past- usually with a theme. When I read my sister's post on her past year living with her word, I thought that maybe I would again live this next year with a purpose. So I began my quest for my purpose. But that is a really scary prospect for me right now because with every word I thought of, I could only see the ways the Lord could possibly help me learn that concept:
*Patience- was never in the running because we all know what happens when you pray for patience
*Faith- see patience
*Hope- ditto
*Freedom, love, light, abandon, ... I think you see where this is going.
Clearly I am a wimp and a coward. I want the end of the path, but don't want to walk the path. I am tired and weary and just want the goop washed off and to ride in the wagon, or rather the air conditioned, comfy car for a change.
The bishop (we have a new one) and I had a discussion about my life. I don't remember the last time someone cried for me and my children. That alone gave me courage and strength. He challenged me to read in the scriptures and pray about my situation and the next steps to take. No air conditioned car for me but hard, slogging work I guess.
Sitting in church yesterday listening to our ward choir's annual Christmas program I was struck by a couple of thoughts:
Integrity- Live this next year with integrity
Ephesians 6- Stand up and take a stand against Satan in defense of your family.
So now that I have learned how to be healthy in my body and deal with my chronic health issues so they are not so much of an issue but rather one of maintanance, I will now be strengthening my family and speaking out more vocally about those things that have been working away at the very foundations of my family and pulling at not just my children but every child in this world.
My 2011 looks to be one filled with fiery darts, slogging through muck and mud and mostly just putting one foot in front of the other. But in the end, a year from now, I will look back and see that I have made progress and I will be triumphant.
(it won't be easy and you may learn more about evil in the world than you want to know, but I can no longer sit in this mire and whine about the unfairness and how I didn't sign up for this and I don't want this. I have been chosen to do this, so I rolling up my shirt sleeves and getting to work. And this is totally not where I had planned this post to go.)
Indeed.
If you know me at all you would know that I don't do new year's resolutions but that if I need a change, I change. However, I still like to take stock at the end of one year and the beginning of another and see where I've been and then make plans for where I want my next 12 months to take me. Though, I can only see a small way into that journey and the path always takes places I had not planned and could not forsee. Sometimes I walk the path easily and other times I have to be pulled kicking and screaming and murmuring. But somehow I seem to be able to put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding on, and on, and on.
To tell the truth, lately that is how my journey feels- plodding through miles and miles of thick, goopy mud. The kind that sucks your shoes off with each step with that loud slurping noise until you pull your foot out with a pop. And if you are lucky enough to still have your shoe, you have a thick layer of goop stuck on the bottom that you try to fling off, but only end up getting covered in the goop and you are left messy, goopy and shoeless and want to sit down on a rock and cry. Except that just leaves mascara streaks mingled with all the mud and goop.
I have a sister that chooses a word of the year each year. And then she tries to live up to that word. I have done something like that in the past- usually with a theme. When I read my sister's post on her past year living with her word, I thought that maybe I would again live this next year with a purpose. So I began my quest for my purpose. But that is a really scary prospect for me right now because with every word I thought of, I could only see the ways the Lord could possibly help me learn that concept:
*Patience- was never in the running because we all know what happens when you pray for patience
*Faith- see patience
*Hope- ditto
*Freedom, love, light, abandon, ... I think you see where this is going.
Clearly I am a wimp and a coward. I want the end of the path, but don't want to walk the path. I am tired and weary and just want the goop washed off and to ride in the wagon, or rather the air conditioned, comfy car for a change.
The bishop (we have a new one) and I had a discussion about my life. I don't remember the last time someone cried for me and my children. That alone gave me courage and strength. He challenged me to read in the scriptures and pray about my situation and the next steps to take. No air conditioned car for me but hard, slogging work I guess.
Sitting in church yesterday listening to our ward choir's annual Christmas program I was struck by a couple of thoughts:
Integrity- Live this next year with integrity
Ephesians 6- Stand up and take a stand against Satan in defense of your family.
So now that I have learned how to be healthy in my body and deal with my chronic health issues so they are not so much of an issue but rather one of maintanance, I will now be strengthening my family and speaking out more vocally about those things that have been working away at the very foundations of my family and pulling at not just my children but every child in this world.
My 2011 looks to be one filled with fiery darts, slogging through muck and mud and mostly just putting one foot in front of the other. But in the end, a year from now, I will look back and see that I have made progress and I will be triumphant.
(it won't be easy and you may learn more about evil in the world than you want to know, but I can no longer sit in this mire and whine about the unfairness and how I didn't sign up for this and I don't want this. I have been chosen to do this, so I rolling up my shirt sleeves and getting to work. And this is totally not where I had planned this post to go.)
Indeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
