My sister picks a word to live by and to help guide her life each year. A fews years ago I adopted that practice for my life. I had no clue the paths that would take me. Last year I knew where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be, and how I wanted to get there and it was with that in mind that I chose Living with Integrity as my guide for the year.
I am no where near where I thought I would be today. In fact I am at a place I would never have dreamed working on things I thought were beyond hope, with understanding far beyond anything I could imagine. I know that there are those in my life that do not understand where I am, but unless you walked my journey you cannot understand it (I barely understand it).
2011 was a hard, hard year for my family. Our hearts were ripped out, stomped on and ravaged in ways we never believed possible. We learned to really and truly forgive, we learned about accountability and responsibility, we learned about what love is and what it isn't, we learned about psychological disorders and illness and the differences between those disorders that are choices and those that are not, we learned about acceptance, we learned about prayer and how to truly pray for what you want and not just pray, we learned how to figure out what it is you really want, and we are trying to learn to trust in the Lord.
Someday I'll tell you the story, but right now it is not all my story to tell.
It was with all of that in mind that I began searching for what I wanted 2012 to be, who I want to be, where I want my family to be and who I want it to become.
I picked and discarded at least a dozen words until one day it just came to me: Ecclesiatstes 3, the entire chapter, but verse 3 in particular- A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up
This is a year that we, I, need to heal. There was a time I knew what that meant, but after this last month of prayer and contemplation and cummonion with the Lord, I am not sure I know anymore. I do know that there are specific areas of my life that need healed:
work, bank account, relationships, my body and health. And there are ways that I think they should be healed, but I don't believe that any of that will be what really happens. Simply because I know that what I know, and what I can see right now, is not the big picture. So as I go forward I will try to trust the Lord and do as He asks and directs, but I will keep in mind that when I pray, I am asking Him to help me heal these areas in my life in His way.
Theme for the family to help guide family home evenings this year: we chose Listening to and living by the Spirit
I was talking with the kids' father the other day about the horribleness of 2011. I told him I was sorry that the biggest thing in our lives happened, but I was happy for one reason, it started us talking and dealing with issues we have been sweeping away for decades and ignoring, hoping they would just go away. He agreed that that part is a good thing. Right now we are not sure what we are going to do with those things, but I do know that they are going to be part of the healing of 2012- no matter what path that takes us.
** on another note, today I was going to post pictures of Brandi's first haircut. A couple of months ago I turned the caring of her hair over to her. She is 12 now and doing her hair is time consuming and hard and she would balk when I told her it was time to do it. With me working 2 jobs I no longer have time to fight her over doing her hair. 2 months ago she had a full head of beautiful hair. Today when we got to the beauty shop and the beautician took the pony tail holders out and I saw what was there, I cried.
Brandi has long hair in the front part of her head, about a 4 inch swath. She then has 3 pony tail patches in the back and the rest of her head is covered in scalp length baby down hair where it has broken off at the root. I didn't know because she keeps it pulled back in a pony tail so it covers the missing hair. She didn't realize it had broken off either.
The beautician gave us the choice of cutting it all off the same length and starting over or leaving it and wearing it in a pony tail all the time to cover it. Brandi started crying and asked to leave so we did. She has spent the last 3 hours crying. So have I. I know it is because she didn't listen to me about what to do and when to do it, but I can't tell her that right now because it would sound too much like, "I told you so". If I had chosen, I would have had it all cut to the same length, but this is her hair and has to be her choice, which I am sure she will make in a couple of weeks, but until then, my heart is hurting for my baby. So much of a woman's identity is in her hair, and when you have black hair, you have so few choices and this is so hard for her.
Let the healing begin.