Ramblings

I can't think of things to blog about.  I had the same problem over on facebook when I wanted to update my status. Everything I thought of was negative or whiney or complaining. So I didn't write anything.  The same has been going on over here. Even though I had that list of 30 days worth of posts, mine all came out mopey.  Probably because I am having some emotional strife right now.

Major upheavel in my home and it has taken its toll on me emotionally. It is long past due, but I have been ignoring it, hoping it would either get better or take care of itself or meet me on my own terms. But that was not to be. The issue was forced and I had to take action. And now am having to deal with and clean up the fall out. As usual. But it has been hard. And I have been a bit forlorn and sad. And second guess myself. Again.

And I need a job. And then I feel bad for complaining about that because I really have 2 jobs. But I only want one. One that isn't either of the ones I have. Because that would take me out of this limbo. But probably plunge me even further into self doubt. And sever all ties to.... security/fear/comfort/anger/help/disappointment/expectations/somewhere to turn/ I don't know- everything I hate about my life but everything I am afraid to not have as well.

Maybe I should talk to my therapist about that.

Because, you know, I haven't spent the last sixish weeks doing that.

And he assures me I am sane. And normal. And did the right thing. And will survive. And am strong. And intelligent. And will not be alone for ever.

(on a side note, it is interesting being a counselor in a counselor's office as a client. The conversation is definately different than with a non counselor and I know what he is going to ask before he does or why he is asking what he is asking)

But I leave his office and the doubts and fears all come back and I start second guessing again. Even though I know this change is what I want. What I need. And long past due. And the best for my family. And the last two months have done nothing but prove that.  And if I had to do it over again, I would do it sooner.

But yet I am afraid to take that next step and try to change my memories of the past into something they are not and can never be.

So don't mind me while I mourn what never was and get ready to move onward and upward.

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Indeed

Rambling

I went back to work today. We had a mandatory staff-elty meeting. Those meetings are long and bo-ring. Tomorrow is sophmore day. Only the sophomores will be there so they can get a feel for where things are without everyone else pushing and shoving their way down the hall. That lasts from 10-12. Then home to get ready for my new class that starts tomorrow night.

I finally got my grade for the final I took last Wed. I only got a 96 on the test. Bummer, I was hoping for higher, but it didn't lower my gpa much- I have a 3.95.

Yesterday Matt and I went up to the U to try and figure out his financial aid. The U has been very hard to work with and their webpages are hard to understand and navigate. But it is mostly figured out. I think.

I figured while we were there we just as well get his books while there were still some used ones. Then we got his parking pass. Then we were going to drive to the other side of campus and talk to the housing office people. But there was construction and they were cutting a gas main so we were not allowed to even turn on the car. So we walked instead. It was all uphill from where we parked. I was glad I wore my walking shoes and not my sandals. I got a good workout.

He moves Sat. afternoon after Brandi's soccer game. I am not sure I am ready for him to be all grown up and moved out. He plans on putting his mission papers in in time to leave about 3 weeks after school ends in early May. 9 months! Too soon, too soon.

Rumors about an earlier home time for Donovan and Trevor, but you know how military rumors go- they change with the wind. We have heard a bunch of similar rumors before and they all changed, so we will see.

I have read two books that are waiting a review and am in the middle of one for a blog tour and need to start another, also for a blog tour.

Right now my feet hurt- shopping with Matt again today and then walking Brandi to and from soccer practice. I think I am going to go lay down and read.

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Indeed.