Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I can't think of things to blog about.  I had the same problem over on facebook when I wanted to update my status. Everything I thought of was negative or whiney or complaining. So I didn't write anything.  The same has been going on over here. Even though I had that list of 30 days worth of posts, mine all came out mopey.  Probably because I am having some emotional strife right now.

Major upheavel in my home and it has taken its toll on me emotionally. It is long past due, but I have been ignoring it, hoping it would either get better or take care of itself or meet me on my own terms. But that was not to be. The issue was forced and I had to take action. And now am having to deal with and clean up the fall out. As usual. But it has been hard. And I have been a bit forlorn and sad. And second guess myself. Again.

And I need a job. And then I feel bad for complaining about that because I really have 2 jobs. But I only want one. One that isn't either of the ones I have. Because that would take me out of this limbo. But probably plunge me even further into self doubt. And sever all ties to.... security/fear/comfort/anger/help/disappointment/expectations/somewhere to turn/ I don't know- everything I hate about my life but everything I am afraid to not have as well.

Maybe I should talk to my therapist about that.

Because, you know, I haven't spent the last sixish weeks doing that.

And he assures me I am sane. And normal. And did the right thing. And will survive. And am strong. And intelligent. And will not be alone for ever.

(on a side note, it is interesting being a counselor in a counselor's office as a client. The conversation is definately different than with a non counselor and I know what he is going to ask before he does or why he is asking what he is asking)

But I leave his office and the doubts and fears all come back and I start second guessing again. Even though I know this change is what I want. What I need. And long past due. And the best for my family. And the last two months have done nothing but prove that.  And if I had to do it over again, I would do it sooner.

But yet I am afraid to take that next step and try to change my memories of the past into something they are not and can never be.

So don't mind me while I mourn what never was and get ready to move onward and upward.



Jeri said...

:( so sorry you are having such a hard time. mourn away - and know that you are much loved! (even by people who are only bloggy friend)

eloise said...

I wish you didn't have to go through all you have to endure. Just know you are in my prayers and I love you.