Thursday, January 12, 2012

What I Really, Really Want

Bastian had shown the lion the inscription on the reverse side of the Gem. 'What do you suppose it means?' he asked. '"DO WHAT YOU WISH"' That must mean I can do anything I feel like. Don't yo think so?"

All at once Grograman's face looked alarmingly grave, and his eyes glowe.
 "No," he said in his deep, rumbling voice. "It means that you must do what you really and truly want. And nothing is more difficult."

"What I really and truly want? What do you mean by that?"

"It's your own deepest secret and you yourself don't know it."

"How can I find out?"

"By going the way of your wishes, from one to another, from first to last. It will take you to what you really and truly want."

"That doesn't sound so hard," said Bastian.

"It is the most dangerous of all journeys."

"Why?" Bastian asked. "I'm not afraid."

"That isn't it," Grograman rumbled. "It requires the greatest honesty and vigilance, because there's no other journey on which it's so easy to lose yourself forever."
The Neverending Story
Michael Ende

I had this discussion with my friend the other day, how we as humans, despite all our half hearted efforts, live our lives waiting for something to make our life better.  How we think we will be happy "when _______".  When we graduate, lose that last 10 pounds, get married, have kids, get the job... whatever.

I have come to realize that for a very long time this is what I did, I lived in the future in my head and was frustrated when life didn't mimic fantasy. When my thoughts- spoken or unspoken- didn't automatically come to be, as in the story, always there with no beginning just always existing because I thought it so.

After living last year trying to live with integrity, I can no longer live obliviously like that. No, I am now very much aware when I start trying to wish my life into existence. And despite what Bastian thought it is not easy and it is scary.  And  Grograman  is right, it is very easy to lose one's self if one does not use complete honesty and vigilance.

I have never read The Neverending Story  before and have only seen bits and pieces of the movie. Brandi had the book, read it and hated it and wanted to give it to D.I. but I took it out of the pile and because I wanted to read it at least once.  I am not sure what I think about it, but when I read the above passage the other night, I knew I wanted to make it my own as I go through this year of healing.  Because I am feeling that in order to heal, I need to get real and get honest and figure out what exactly it is that I really and truly want. What my deepest, darkest secret that even I myself don't know yet.

And it is the journey itself to find it that will heal and give me happiness ever after.


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