Walking a tightrope

Update:

I spoke with the principal at the school where I work because I wanted to make sure I was not overreacting to this whole thing. I deal with enough parents on a daily basis that do over react that I really, really don't want to be that parent. He felt that I was not and that I should call the principal's supervisor. He helped me outline what I wanted to say so that I could do it calmly and rationally. I spoke with the supervisor, and he was surprised that the sentence of 3 days suspension was given, not happy that Brandi was held for 3 hours without parental contact and displeased over me not being allowed to see my child when I requested it. But of course, he needs to speak to the principal and I would not have expected it to be any other way. Now I am just waiting for the supervisor to get back to me.

Sometimes being a mom is like walking a tightrope. There was a bit of trauma and drama at our house yesterday and I had the enviable position of doing the balancing act of supporting a punishment that I felt was too harsh and supporting a child who had made a bad choice.

Brandi was accused of something at school and the principal twisted everything around to make her the ringleader. I was told that Brandi was a "secretive, sly, manipulative, sneaky liar who is a bully." Now, I do not care if my child was caught red-handed in whatever was going on, but don't call me after you have had my child in your office for 3 1/2 hours and sit me down while she is in another room, not let me see my child even though I have asked you 4 times and then start by calling my child those things. If you do that, I am going to become defensive and not hear anything else you have to say.

After I finally got mad enough that the principal let me see Brandi, I had Brandi tell me her side. Yes, stuff happened and yes, Brandi was involved, but Brandi was trying to tell her point of view and was interupted over and over with the princpal's version. The principal would not listen to anything Brandi had to say. And then she said to me, "well, everyone I talked to said that they never saw bulling behavior on Brandi's part. All the teachers and the playground aids said that she is sweet and nice and always nice, but that is just not true."

Brandi said, regarding the bullying behavior, "I didn't know that I was being a bully. The other girl was laughing and going along with us and she never said that I was hurting her feelings. How can I know I am being a bully if no one tells me?" And the principal said, "You are a bully and you should just know." Brandi is 9! 9 year olds don't always know when something they are saying is considered bullying.

So, the punishment is an automatic 3 days suspension. Here is where my tightrope walking comes in. This is a first offense. There was never a warning of any kind given to my child, never a principal conference, never a parent conference. The norms are: 1.student conference with principal, 2.parent conference with principal, 3.suspension to a parent conference, 4.three day suspension- but 1-3 never happened. But my child was involved, so she should be punished and the suspension is the punishment that the authority in charge has meted out.

So how do I not undermine the principal- whom I disagree with- and help my child understand that you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence, but then on the other hand I want Brandi to understand that I believe her version and which parts she should have done differently and that I think the punishment was unjust?

At the high school this would not have resulted in a 3 day suspension for a first offense student with nothing on their record. We would have done a suspend to a parent meeting which means that I would have been called in immediately, Brandi would not be allowed in class and the principal would talk to me as soon as I got there. We would be told that the next offense will result in a 3 day suspension, and Brandi would be allowed back at school the next morning. That is how it is handled for 14-18 year olds. I am trying to be objective- hard to do- because my child was involved and I don't want to be the "not my child" parent. But I really feel that the principal and punishment were too harsh. And I hate this part of motherhood.

So, punishment at home includes no television, no computer, no playing with friends. And while I am at work Jess gets to be the monitor of behavior. Brandi can only clean in her room, do her chore, and do homework or read. I don't want this to turn into a vacation for Brandi or feel like she is home sick. But part of me wants to soften it somehow.

I hate this.

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Indeed.