Teach your children

Jeri asked me to give some parenting advice that would help your children from being the children that I deal with on a daily basis. (I do want to make a note that not all the students I deal with are in trouble, just the majority of them). I thought I would do a series of posts on what I think are the important things for your children to learn to keep them off of "my list".

This is the most important thing that you can do for your children: Teach them that actions have consequences and then let them experience those natural consequences. Hold them accountable for their behavior.

When I worked at the jr. high, I had hanging on my door and on my room wall and on my desk, posters that said:

When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you don't like the consequence, choose different behavior.

This is my mantra. I say it over and over. The students at the jr. high could repeat it. At first some of them had a hard time grasping what it meant because they had never been held accountable for their behavior or they were used to talking their way out of consequenses.

I am not a perfect parent, and my children have made bad choices, but I don't run to bail them out. I believe that that is a diservice to your child and to society. Jacob called me at work the other day. He had forgotten his P.E. clothes at home and wanted me to bring them to him. This is how the conversation went.

Jake- Mom? I forgot my p.e. clothes. Can you bring them to me?

Me-Excuse me? You want me to leave work, go home get your P.E. clothes and bring them to you at school?

Jake- Ya, could you?

Me- Why did you forget your clothes?

J-I dunno. I just did.

Me-Yes, you do. Where are they?

J- in my basket in the laundry room, or maybe still in the dryer, I washed them last night.

Me- So, who's responsibility was it to make sure they were in your backpack to take to school?

J- mine

Me- So why were they not put there?

J- because I just didn't do it.

Me- What are the consequences of you not having your clothes today?

J-I won't get the points for today and I will just have to sit out all period. Please mom, this time could you bring them to me?

Me- I'm sorry son. I have work to do, you were supposed to take care of them last night and you didn't. I guess you will just have to take the consequence. I love you and try to have a good day anyway.

Jake- o.k. Love you too.

Later that night I asked him how p.e. went. He told me that when he went to coach and told him that he had forgotten his p.e. clothes, coach has a stash of extra clothes for students to borrow when this happens. Jake could borrow some and participate and get the points or he could just sit out and get no points. Jake choose to borrow and get points.

Jake learned a couple of things

• He didn't forget his P.E. clothes again (it is a new sememster and he no longer has p.e.)
• What I do is important and I can't always just drop what I am doing
• He can figure out a solution that may not be what he first thought of, but is acceptable
• He can go to his teacher for help

Now, if he had forgotten his p.e. clothes because of something I did or didn't do, I would have taken them to him. I have always told my kids- if it is my fault, then I will drop whatever I am doing and bring it to school for you, but if you just forget to take your homework/project/lunch money whatever, tough. I make allowences when they are in k-2 grade, but as I add responsibility to them, I back off on what I will "rescue" for them. It is rare for my children to ask and even more so for them to forget.

We have an attendance policy at the school. Students are allowed 4 tardies and 4 excused absences per class. After that, they are expected to attend attendance school to make them up-one hour for each absence or tardy that they are over the limit. Unexcused absences and sluffs get two hours per. I had a mother call me the other day and wanted to excuse all of her daughter's absences. All 25-30 unexcused absences. Her daughter is one that I check attendance on a class by class basis- each and every period- each and every day. If she is there and on time, it is cause for celebration because it rarely happens. Her mother calls in and excuses her when ever she is absent, no matter the reason, and the reason is usually, "I didn't feel like going to class" or "I wanted to go to Starbucks/Marci's house/the store/whatever." We have had conference after conference with mom/dad/student. Student has been sent to truancy school,truancy court, been court ordered to be at school (which seems stupid to me since it is a law anyway).

Anyway, mom called me to talk to me about her student the other day. Mom said, "I just don't know what to do with C anymore. Nothing seems to make a difference. She just always wants me to do these things for her. She always wants me to call and excuse her. I just don't know what to do." I said," Mom, you are the mother. You don't have to excuse her. You could just stop doing it and let her take the consequence." Mom said, "Oh, but I would feel so guilty if I did that." I wanted to throw the phone.

Parents- grow a backbone and stop letting your children set the rules. Teach them and let them take the consequences now when they are relativley minor consequences. This girl is not going to graduate because guess what? She is almost 1 1/2 years credits short because she has not been coming to school! How is she going to get a job? Keep one once she gets one? Pay for her housing/food/clothes/car? Or is mom going to do it forever?

Teach your children to take responsibility for their actions. When I ask them "why are you tardy/throwing snowballs/pushing/not turning in your homework/etc" tell me why- don't say "I dunno" because my response is going to be "yes you do. Why" and I will press you until you give me an answer. I would rather you tell me the truth to start with. I was walking my one and only true love to class and we were making out at the door and didn't hear the bell, is a much better answer than I dunno. I will probably smile if not outright laugh, then we will have a talk about time management and how to walk her to class, get the kiss and then get to class on time. I will also let them know that I will be watching them to make sure it happens.

That talk will go something like this

Me: What message do you think you are sending your teacher when you come into class tardy?

Student: I dunno. (I just look them in the eye while they get a bit uncomfortable) Maybe that I don't care about class.

Me: perhaps. What if you had gone to school for 4+ years, stayed late to make lesson plans and then someone walked in late, made a ruckus getting to their seat and had the rest of the students looking at them instead of you. How would you feel.

Student: I think I might be kind of mad.

Me: perhaps. Do you think that maybe your behavior could be saying to the teacher that you think you are more important than them, the rest of the students or anything the teacher has planned?

Student: I don't think that

Me: "No, but can you see how your actions might say that?" I can always tell when a student "gets it" right about here or if they really don't care and this discussion is pointless. The ones that get it stop having a problem, the others continue to be a problem in this area and others as well.

Usually here is where I tell them to get to class, they do and there is no longer a problem- unless of course they are one of the students that think they can tell me to get a life and get out of theirs/get out of their face/stop picking on me/or any number of other insolent and rude comments. Those students find themselves having a discussion with their principal about insubordination and taking a leave of absence for a day. See- behaviors have consequences and you will be held accountable for you behavior.

I do want to say that I do believe in mercy and compassion as well. We have a chronic offender that is also on my period by period list. Today after lunch she was just sitting on a bench outside of the student center. I went and sat down beside her bracing for the battle that I knew would be coming. Sherry (not really her name) why are you not in class? She looked up and tears were spilling down her face. Not the discussion I expected to have, instead of the lecture about grades and attendance blah, blah, blah, she got compassion and help for her social problem, then she dried her eyes and went to class. Unlike the student earlier in the day that was having the same kind of problem, but he verbally attacked me, was beligerent and then accused me of picking on him because of the color of his skin and the LA hat he was wearing. He got no compassion and was escorted out of the student center.

I'll say it again

Once you have chosen the behavior, you have chosen the consequence. If you don't like the consequence, choose different behavior.

---

Indeed.