I woke up this morning and wondered if I was going to go to church or not.
It hasn't always been that way with me. For my entire life, if it was Sunday, I got up, got ready and went to church. No questions asked. That's just the way it was. (besides, my mom wouldn't let it be any other way)
But when I moved out of my parent's house and went to college, 2,000 miles away, I still went to church because by then it was not just the way it was, I had a testimony of the truthfullness of the gospel, of the love of the Savior for me and me for Him, of His divine atonement for my sins.
And I continued when I had children and I hoped, despite family circumstances, that I was instilling that same testimony and love in my children. But this morning when I realized that I was deciding whether I was going or not, I started thinking about that. Deciding whether to go or not? When did that start? And why? Because I realized that I have been making that decision every Sunday for a while now.
And then we had a combined Relief Societ/Priesthood meeting and it was about service and I really did not want to sit through that, because really? I just did not want to hear one more lesson on how if we do something nice for someone else, everything will turn out fine. Blah, blah, blah.But I would have had to gather everything and walk to the back of the room, past everyone, in order to get out, so I sat there.
Then the bishop said something.
"Never feel bad about seeking the reward- People get burned out when they continue doing good just for the sake of doing good. If you don't get the rewards- you get burnt out- so don't feel bad about seeking the rewards." (he did clarify that he was not talking about making sure people knew and gave you a high five or something, but the rewards from the Lord)
Yes. That is how I have been feeling. I don't want accolades, or for everyone to see and know, but there are some things that I would like just a teeny bit of reward for. You know all the times I have said, "but I am doing what you asked. I am reading my scriptures, I am going to church, paying my tithing, doing good things, trying to__________... Why do these bad things just keep piling up and why does nothing ever get better for me and my kids?"
I am not sure why I am telling you all this, other than it has been on my mind a lot lately and today even more.
But I do want you to know that I do know the gospel is true. I do know that Jesus lives and that He loves me. And if I continue on, He will bless me for my efforts.
This I know.