Sunday, September 9, 2012

War is Hell

I was talking to a friend the other day.  We were discussing my new job- which I love, by the way. I mentioned that I was just a teeny bit stressed because I feel behind since I was hired after school already started and I jumped in with both feet and hit the ground running.  And the counselor before me left no master plan for the year, no notes regarding students and what she had already done for the year. I kinda feel like I am playing catch-up.  But I still love it.

He said to me, "Well, I can tell you are happy, even though you are stressed you look really happy."

That gave me pause because if I look happy now what did I look like before? Because I don't really feel happy.  What I really feel is sad, lonely and like there is a huge gaping hole where my heart used to be. And like that hole will never be healed or filled.

And then my lawyer gives me a form to fill out and the amount of documentation I need to gather for it is mountainous. I am a good record keeper and my files are usually in order but remember how I was working two jobs? And being both the mom and the dad? And I have those two forms of arthritis that somedays make me just want to do nothing because of the pain?  Yeah all that plus the myriad other things going on.  My files are not up to date.  In fact I didn't paint my desk this summer mainly because it is piled with about four months of things that need to be sorted and filed.  Well, probably only two months now because I did half of it while I was gathering paperwork for my lawyer.  Until I became so overwhelmed with the papers and the numbers needed for this 10 page financial declaration and my bank website wouldn't recognize my password and my head started hurting and that big gaping hole in my heart caused my eyes to leak rivers.

And I hate that this whole thing is probably going to be messy and ugly and probably turn into a war.

And I am trying so very hard to not let my kids be caught in the crossfire and become casualties.

And I was thinking about the hearing that will probably have to take place.  And it made me sad.  I thought about sitting in the courtroom by myself.  Yes, my lawyer will be there and he will be there with his lawyer.  But I will still be alone.  Because no matter what he is or has done when things were hard or scary for me he was by my side- mostly- for these past 28 years.  If I was confused about something that was going on, I could turn my head and look at him, meet his eyes and know that he understood and it was ok.  Or if it was scary, he was there to make it less scary. Or happy, or funny or whatever. In fact as recent as last week someone said something, we looked at each other and immediately we knew what the other was thinking and we smiled at the private joke between us.

But this time I will be alone. Truly and completely alone because I am sure that if he meets my eyes at all it won't be with reassurance or smiling or any private joke. And I don't want to do it.  I don't want to sit there by myself. Without him. (I need to go read my journal to remember why this needs to happen)

So I spent some time this weekend thinking about what my friend said.  It feels so good to wake up in the morning and know that I only have one job to go to.  I can pay my bills on time. There is food and more than plenty of it in the cupboards. And I don't spend the day with worry and stress over those things on my shoulders. And I think what my friend saw is not necessarily happiness but peace.  Something that has been missing in my life for a very long time.



Dad Mom said...

Yes peace finally. Remember that. Love Mom

Anna Maria Junus said...

So glad you are finding peace. I've been there. I know alone. You will get through this. Thinking of you.