I keep a little notebook in my Sunday bag. Mostly Brandi uses it to draw in, but it is really there so I can take notes when a speaker says something I want to remember. But if you were to pick it up and read what I have written the last two weeks during Sacrament meeting, I wonder what your reaction would be. Shock? Dismay? Understanding? Incredulence? Would you love me anyway?
There are things I think that I tell no one. In fact I never even write these things down, because to write them is to say them "outloud" and to say them is to acknowledge them. And I could never, ever do that. But somehow I say them anyway. I know this because today when Brandi asked me something and I said "I don't care." she said back to me, "You don't care about much of anything anymore, do you?" And she was right.
Life is hard and I don't like it very much. Every day I get up and put on my mask and pretend like I care, because that is what you are supposed to do. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, but it didn't do any good and gave me a stuffy nose. So I stopped.
I was once given the opportunity to leave this earth or stay. I stayed for my kids, but one of the things I wrote last week and today is that if I were given the choice again, right now, today, I am not sure I would make the same choice again. Oh, don't get all worried and upset, I am not suicidal, just saying if I had the choice, death would be a welcome relief from life. To unlock that passageway between here and unbearable and there and peace? Welcome, welcome relief.
And that is one of the things that I don't acknowledge. But even if I don't write them, or say them or if I pretend they aren't there, the Lord always knows anyway.
Like this morning when I was getting dressed and turned on channel 11- KBYU- and there was a re-broadcast of conference on. The talk that was on? President James E. Faust, October 2004 Saturday morning session, "'Where Do I Make My Stand?" And I said, OK, fine, I'll go to church. And then I had to teach the 12 year olds in Sunday School, and then I was asked to substitute in Nov. leading the singing in Relief Society.
So even if I wanted to stop going to church and doing all the things we have been asked to do, I couldn't because I am a good girl and do what people ask me to. Even if I don't want to anymore. And I don't. Sorta.
Because the Lord won't let me stop. Or forget me. Because some of the things I wrote? All the evidence that He doesn't love me, or listen to my prayers let alone answer them. And blessings?? Pah! None.
He does, and I know it. And I really am trying to remember that.