Sunday, October 18, 2009

Hidden Deep Inside

I keep a little notebook in my Sunday bag. Mostly Brandi uses it to draw in, but it is really there so I can take notes when a speaker says something I want to remember. But if you were to pick it up and read what I have written the last two weeks during Sacrament meeting, I wonder what your reaction would be. Shock? Dismay? Understanding? Incredulence? Would you love me anyway?

There are things I think that I tell no one. In fact I never even write these things down, because to write them is to say them "outloud" and to say them is to acknowledge them. And I could never, ever do that. But somehow I say them anyway. I know this because today when Brandi asked me something and I said "I don't care." she said back to me, "You don't care about much of anything anymore, do you?" And she was right.

Life is hard and I don't like it very much. Every day I get up and put on my mask and pretend like I care, because that is what you are supposed to do. I used to cry myself to sleep at night, but it didn't do any good and gave me a stuffy nose. So I stopped.

I was once given the opportunity to leave this earth or stay. I stayed for my kids, but one of the things I wrote last week and today is that if I were given the choice again, right now, today, I am not sure I would make the same choice again. Oh, don't get all worried and upset, I am not suicidal, just saying if I had the choice, death would be a welcome relief from life. To unlock that passageway between here and unbearable and there and peace? Welcome, welcome relief.

And that is one of the things that I don't acknowledge. But even if I don't write them, or say them or if I pretend they aren't there, the Lord always knows anyway.

Like this morning when I was getting dressed and turned on channel 11- KBYU- and there was a re-broadcast of conference on. The talk that was on? President James E. Faust, October 2004 Saturday morning session, "'Where Do I Make My Stand?" And I said, OK, fine, I'll go to church. And then I had to teach the 12 year olds in Sunday School, and then I was asked to substitute in Nov. leading the singing in Relief Society.

So even if I wanted to stop going to church and doing all the things we have been asked to do, I couldn't because I am a good girl and do what people ask me to. Even if I don't want to anymore. And I don't. Sorta.

Because the Lord won't let me stop. Or forget me. Because some of the things I wrote? All the evidence that He doesn't love me, or listen to my prayers let alone answer them. And blessings?? Pah! None.


He does, and I know it. And I really am trying to remember that.

add to kirtsy


ShazBraz said...

I'm sorry!

Cami said...

Interesting post. Just so you know....and I won't go into detail...even if you beg...which I know you won't :) .... your post today was kind of an....hmmmm...answer to a prayer for me,,,not really that...maybe just a confirmation that I am not the only one who struggles...especially, sometimes mostly on Sundays....not the only one who feels this way sometimes. You are just brave enough to say it out loud. Thanks.

Cami said...

P.S. 1Nephi 8:8

Cami said...

P.S.S. Of COURSE everyone would still love you. Because you are you! I think you're a pretty amazing person.

tawnya said...

"Doubt not, fear not". I'm so sorry.

Sandra said...

Thanks, Cami.

And Tawnya- You know I have that one marked, book marked, opened so often that my book falls there, tatooed on my forehead...

Sandra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kimberly said...

I just want to give you a big hug right now. Even knowing that wouldn't be the help I would wish it could be, I still want to. Because I know what is to feel this way. I know what it is to feel this way for such a long time that memories of brighter times become fuzzy.

Hugs can't fix that. Neither can anything anyone wiser than me might think to say. But it helps to be understood. I think I remember that. And even though it doesn't fix things, it helps to be loved.

Please know that you are.

eloise said...

Sandra you do have a crown in heaven when the time is right. Yes you are a good girl and just know there are many who love and admire you for your life and courage. We love you and just want you to know it. Aunt Eloise

Karlene said...

Ditto to what Kimberly and Eloise both said. Even if your kids are grown and don't need you as much, I still do!

Long term stress = shot adrenals = not caring. Wish I had the magic cure.

Love you.

[you didn't write obnoxious things about me when I bore my testimony, did you?]

[just asking because even though this is YOUR blog, it's still all about me. right?]

MOM said...

Ah...why do we love Him?...because he first loved us. Life is indeed a dance...God is our partner, and if we follow His lead, we will not fail - no matter how weak, or frustrated, or overwhelmed, or just plain tired of it all; in the end, He'll see that is was worth it for us.

Sandra said...

Karlene- no, I didn't write obnoxious things about you. In fact, I was wishing I had the courage to stand up and say something. Then I didn't even know what I would say. And I was glad your son was there to hear you.