Monday, March 1, 2010

Let there be light

I have written this post a couple of times. One was really wonderful. Full of description and wit and you would have loved it. But it was written in my mind while standing in the hall at school and by the time I got to a computer and had time to write it was gone.

All the other incarnations of the post are lame at best.

So, I am just going to lay it out here for you.

I suffer from S.A.D.

Some years are worse than others and this has been a particularly bad year. There are a lot of things that go into how bad the year is.

It starts in August when the light starts to shift. One day I wake up and the light coming in the window or shining on the garden seems a bit muted. And I know it is coming. And I try to prepare. I grab hold of life and hang on, holding my breath until spring comes and I can start breathing again.

Lately, though, I have seen the light change but have not felt the pull of the black hole sucking the very life out of me. I am convinced that it is because I have been working very hard at making sure I get light every day. That I get some exercise. And most important that I eat healthy- no sugar, no processed white flour, no aspartame. A lot of veggies and fruit and water.

But this year? I have been a bit stressed. Ok, a lot stressed. I have been working hard at work. Working even harder at school. Not sleeping well. Surgery to remove a screw that then didn't heal right- (3 months later it is still not 100%). A neighbor that thinks he should be king and I am the villager that is at the root of all his problems. And all of that is peanuts compared to the daily arguments with the kids' father.

And all of that seems to be just the very tippy top of the iceberg of my life issues.

And the days are dark and their pain and sadness endless. And I feel like I am in an underground tunnel. I know there is light somewhere just waiting, but no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to get to it, something grabs me by the ankles and pulls me back and back into the deep dark abyss.

And then one day, usually sometime around the middle of March, just like a flip being switched, the light coming in the window is sharper and brighter and not wearing a coat outside is possible.

And even though there is still work and school and no sleep and cranky neighbors, unkind ward members and my children still have the same father, it all isn't so heavy anymore and I know that I can make it through somehow.

This was my status update on Facebook this afternoon:
Look, look! The trees have buds!!!!

I know it happens every year and the buds are still really really small, but the willows are starting to look yellow instead of stick brown and the sun was actually shining when I left for work.

And I can make it through.


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eloise said...

You are so strong and have such a humble spiritual love that you have a hugh crown waiting for you. I know Heavenly Father is aware of you and loves you so much. You are in my prayers and I love you too. Aunt Eloise

Noelle said...

I went for a walk on Sunday and saw buds on the trees and it made my heart happy too.

You're amazing Sandra...hang in there!

Kimberly said...

So glad you found the light again. How much more keenly you must appreciate it after its absence!

Karlene said...

Is it time to come out of hibernation? Really? I'm counting down the days until the time changes. To me, that day is like throwing the prison doors open.