Saturday, March 20, 2010

Surrounded by love

Today was a special day for Matthew. He went to the temple for the first time. Such a great day and such a great session. I loved being in the temple with him and experiencing it "new" again with him. The wonder and awe in his eyes was.... I don't know, there are no words. And the love was overpowering.  Such an amazing day.

I woke up emotional thinking about how this day would happen.  I then became emotional knowing that I would experience it alone. Again. And tried to remind myself that this day was about Matthew and not me, but still it hurt.

See, for the last 26 years whenever there has been a special day for me or my family, I have had no one to share it with. My parents, brothers and sisters all live far awa and it is hard to come and share.  And I want them to be there to share things with me.  But always know that they won't. And I am lonely and alone.

Yes, I have friends, but sometimes you just want a mom, or dad, or sister, or brother, you know?

 I tried to not think about it. About me sitting in the chapel. alone. Sitting in the session. Alone. Waiting in the Celestial room. Alone.  Because I didn't want to cry.  And I didn't want to make Matthew sad.

As we were driving to the temple, Matt asked me who all was coming and I said I figured no one. Sister 1 hadn't said anything to me. Brother 1 never comes, Brother 2 lives in Australia, Sister 2 just got back from a long road trip late last night, Sister 3 and Sister 4 both have kids that need babysitters so they don't drive down either.  So, pretty much, No One was coming.

Don't be sad. Don't be sad. Don't be sad.  It is a good day and not about me, but about the wonderful thing for Matthew.

And if I were being truthful, there is another reason I didn't want to think about it. I would get mad if I thought about it. Mad because I try to make it to all of their special days that I know about before hand. I have gotten up early, before my normal 5 a.m. wake up time, gotten my kids up and dressed and driven the 2 hours just to be there for them. I have gone early and stayed late.  I have done it, even when it was hard- so am I not worthy enough of their love that they can be just a little inconvienced to share something special with me?

Ok, I wrote that part small because I get it. I really do. And I understand their reasons. For instance, today, sister #3's son had a huge concert. Should I expect her to miss her child's thing for my child's thing?  I don't think so.  And sister #4? Her little one was sick.  Should she leave him with a babysitter just because I am tired of being alone.  Hardly.  So I get it. But I am still lonely. And alone. And bereft of family. And those of you that couldn't or didn't come, don't think I am mad- I'm not.

Because Matthew had to be there 1 1/2 hours before the session, I had a lot of time to sit in the chapel. I would have done some ordinances but they were all booked and so there was not enough time. So I sat in the chapel and thought and pondered and read. 1/2 hour before Matt's scheduled time, I figured I had better use the facilities because 2 1/2 more hours was pushing it a bit.

As I stepped out of the chapel I saw my brother-in-law, husband to sister #2, and I cried. When my sister came and sat down by me in the chapel I almost broke down in sobs. It wasn't until then that I realized how much it truly meant to me to have family there. Then my nephew and his wife came in.  And I was able to sit in the session with my sister on one side and niece on the other- surrounded by family, and love.


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ShazBraz said...

When we set standards for ourselves about how we will deal with certain situations and then impose those same standards on others even though there was no prior agreement that they would live up to those same standards, we are always going to be disappointed.

Glad Matthew had a great day!

Sandra said...

I know, Sharon. And it is no big deal, usually. just yesterday the loneliness was a bit overwhelming for me.

tawnya said...

Nothing I'm typing is coming out right, so I'll just say that I'm glad Matt had a great day...

Noelle said...

I'm glad they were there for so glad.