Friday, April 20, 2012

A lifetime of memories

27 years ago today I thought forever would never be long enough.  I was a princess and life was good.  I imagined that today, 27 years into the future, would find me even happier and more content and a queen. And the years inbetween would be filled with happiness and sunshine spent with my best friend to hold me up and help me bear whatever hardships might come our way.

And I was so wrong.

Those 27 years brought me 7 of the most wonderful children in the world. 2 miscarriages, 6-7 major surgeries, taking care of a spouse after he suffered a brain aneurysm, broken bones, stitches, 5 jobs, 6 dogs, numerous cats, birds, fish, and rabbits.  And a life of pain and sadness that was mine and the children's waking hell for most of it.

Until this last year when I finally learned about true love, forgiveness and the atonement's ability to take the pain and anger and hate away.  The man I married was not the man I was married to.  And no matter what else he is or did, he always provided for us a place to live, cars to drive, clothes to wear and food to eat. For that I am grateful.  And this past year I thought we were trying to figure out how to go forward and change the things that need changed and make our life together the wonderful life it should be.

I was wrong again.

How does one take 27 years of life and throw them away as if they never existed? Package them up and divide them into yours and mine? Move on to someone else because they don't require you to deal with your baggage? Turn your back on those that love you the most, know you the best, and are willing to forgive and move on?

 Today I feel as if my heart is being shredded into a million pieces and then ripped out of my chest, piece by piece and thrown away.  It is not the life we had that I am mourning, but the should have beens, could have beens, if onlys.  The what I know could have, should have been if he would only do what he needs to do and not be afraid of the hard work.

Today I mourn the loss of my friend, because we really were good together, really. But I have found that in order to be good for each other we both have to be more than 100% committed to the relationship and to making life better for the other person.  And when the other party  is committed to themselves only and the relationship and you always come third or fourth, no amount of love or trying can make it work. It only works if you both want it to work.

And I hate that after all this time I still have tears to cry. I hate that a sound or smell or stray thought can bring a quiver to my lips and tears coursing down my cheeks. I know that as I sign the papers sometime in the next few weeks that will end our life together, I will cry again.  And I will take my lifetime of happy memories, leave the ugly ones in the journal, and move on.

I know there are some that do not understand why I spent this last year trying instead of just moving on. But I also know that without this last year, I would not be crying, but would be angry and filled with hate.  I can now walk away knowing that I tried and did everything I could.  I can hold my head high knowing that despite what I am being told, it is not my fault and I have nothing to regret.

Happy anniversary to me.

Now excuse me while I go try to dry my eyes.


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