Saturday, July 7, 2012
In which I have a Pity Party
Today has not been the best day.
Today I am sad, loney, angry and just plain mad.
Today I cried. Almost the entire day. Sometimes tears just slowly falling. Sometimes hard, gut racking sobs.
Today my home teacher was supposed to come over and help me with something that Ben has been saying for a month now that he would do. The home teacher never showed up.
Ben was supposed to come help me with two other things today. Guess who never showed up? Guess who wouldn't answer their phone or text when I was at the store getting the supplies and was confused about what to get? Guess who almost cried standing in the aisle of the store because she felt stupid and helpless and clueless? I hate feeling that way. And I hate crying because of it. And I usually don't feel that way but ask for help, but today? Stupid and helpless and alone. Guess who attempted to do one of those things herself and couldn't get it and it is now just sorta done? And guess who cried those gut wrenching sobs then?
If I have learned one thing in the last 27 years it is that I can't count on the men in my life to show up. Ever. In any way at all. And I just have to do it myself or do without.
I did everyone's chores today because they all had to work or had band things or something. But my bathroom is cleaner than it has been since Ben moved out (that was his chore and he always did a great job- when he bothered to do it)
I had blisters on two of my fingers. They popped and I got vinegar in them when I was cleaning.
I hurt all over.
I am tired. I haven't had a good night's sleep for over a month now (well ever if we are really counting, but good night's sleep for me) because I have been having bad dreams. No one will listen to me about them or what they mean or represent in my life.
I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I have always felt that way but feel that way even more so now. Maybe once the divorce is final my family will let me belong there again? That is one of the reasons I sit by myself at church meetings. I don't want to discuss "how I am doing" because I am not fine. I am a mess, emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted, stretched further than I can handle. There is not enough money, time, energy to do everything that needs done and don't even begin to think about me wanting to do something. But should I even think about mentioning any of this to anyone, there is a plethora of advice of what I should be doing, ought to have done, would be better off if, but never any offer of help or follow through if the offer is made and accepted.
And I want to go to bed and stay there. But I can't because there is work to go to, a house to clean and try to keep in repair, weeds to pull, kids to soothe, drive to, pick up, help, tell to do chores, jobs to search for, laundry, dishes, dusting, mopping, bills to pay, more laundry, dishes, driving, blah, blah, blah.
And I get to do it all. Alone.
So, tonight I am throwing a pity party. Not moving to Australia (but I wish I could). Going in my room and glut myself on watching endless episodes of Psych until someone has to go pick up Ethan (because even though his father has said he would we all know he will find a reason not to. Ethan tried to bet me $5 that he doesn't show, but how can it be a bet if we both agree on the outcome?) Then I am going to "sleep" so that tomorrow will be a better day.
It has to be a better day because it is the Sabbath so any work can be put off till Monday with no guilt (except doing the dishes. Have to do the dishes)
Party ends at midnight.