Four

Today I am thankful for buses and modern transportation so Jake will be home from California in just a few short hours.

There is so much more that is rumbling around in my mind. I am thankful for the Sabbath, for fasting and prayer. For answers to prayer even if no one else understands those answers, they are the ones that are right for me and my family.

Today in Relief Society we were talking about service- Have I Done  Any Good in the World was the basis for the lesson.  When it was time for testimonies, one of the sisters stood up to tell about someone that served her in a small way a couple of years ago.  I knew what she was going to say as soon as she stood up and I was  silently willing her not to say my name, but she did. She told her story and then said who the person was that was the answer to her prayers that day. When she said my name there was an audible "Of Course, perfect, who else" that went through the room.

That felt weird to me.  It still does. I cannot imagine that I am the answer to anyone's prayer.  Right now that is the hardest thing for me to believe. Right now I am broken and lost. I know to the world I appear calm and collected and put together, but inside I am curled up in the fetal position, shaking and crying and wounded. And the day I answered the phone to this sister? My world was just beginning to crumble and fall from the carefully constructed facade I had created.

And now I feel that I am still at the bottom, underneath all that rubble, clawing my way to oxygen and freedom but praying for help and the only help and answers. The answers that come, though, are not the ones that others want me to get. But they do bring me comfort and the ability to go on and keep trying and working and moving and doing. Until.  And the help comes mostly in the form of inner strength and the ability to do what is absolutely needed. 

Which brings me to something else that I am thankful for, but that is a story for another day.

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Indeed