Saturday, November 17, 2012

In which I vent and tell you how I really feel

My life pretty much stinks right now.  And I got more bad news the other day.  It appears that my new insurance will probably not cover my medication. The one that allows me to get out of bed and have range of motion and function.  With insurance it is 3 month supply for $35. Without it is 1 month supply for $2500.  My paycheck? not enough.

And people keep telling me that I deserve better than I have.  Like as if having a judge sign a paper that negates the last 28 years of my life will make everything better and different.  Like when I walk out of the courthouse Mr. something better will be standing there with a platter of everything I ever wanted/needed "deserve".

But to negate my last 28 years is to tell me that my feelings are stupid and that I shouldn't have them. Or that I can't be trusted to make decisions for myself or my family because I made the decision to get married.

And if we all got what we deserve in life then all those friends of mine that want to get married, would. Those that want kids and can't have them- would. No child would be unloved or abused. His parents would have been struck down when they abused him as a child, he would have had consequenses for his behavior years ago and she would have been boiled in oil after having been flogged.

And those people in my life that do nothing but whine, whine, whine about their latest hang nail and whish everyone would just live and let live but then judge me and jump down my throat when I dare say how I feel? They would have to endure the things I feel and do each and everyday while feeling the physical and emotional pain I feel every day. I am not stupid and you have no right to judge me.

But we live in a world where we all say "Fine" when someone asks how we are and then we smile and move on. Because no one really cares how we really are. Someone told me today that I am brave and strong and put together. I am tired of being brave and strong.  I want to be taken care of. To be held. To have someone else do the things- change the furnace filter, buy the light bulbs, get the weather stripping, change the wipers on the car. I want someone to sit beside me on the couch and laugh at the stupid show, put their arm around me and let me put my head on their shoulder and I would know I am loved and feel safe. Not this bundle of scared, uneasiness. Someone to rub my neck when I am so tense from holding it all together for so long that I just can't take one more step.

And I am tired of being told I deserve that because there is no proof that that is true. Because what I see is nothing but pain and heartache "growth opportunities, refinement, trials" whatever.

And if it irritates you that I call him and rely on him for things, then tell me who else am I supposed to have help me?  My hometeacher? The one I have never seen and have no clue who is? Family? that live too far away and probably would tell me to figure it out for myself if they even bothered to acknowledge me?

Tonight I am tired, have a headache, don't feel good and have had to make some hard decisions. And I need to say it outloud. Because I just. can't. do it. anymore.

And I can't find my stupid Costco card. Again.

Ok. Done. Tomorrow something happier. Maybe. because I am a nice person and will feel bad for saying all this and will feel the need to apologize and smooth feathers and make it all go away.

I'm going to bed now and try to go to sleep with crying myself to sleep.


1 comment:

Jeri said...

you may "feel the need" to apologize and smooth feathers, but it is NOT necessary. You have to face the reality of what you are experiencing and feeling. you speak the truth. sometimes the truth isn't "pretty." You ARE strong and you ARE brave. even when you are feeling all alone and don't want to be strong or brave anymore. it is a STRONG & BRAVE thing to be honest about where you are. Hang in there! praying for you