Ok, I was doing the whole be thankful everyday posts but didn't even turn on my computer yesterday. I guess I could back date a post and you would never know. But my head hurts today so it just isn't going to happen.
Mostly my head hurts because I am confused. And tired. And cold. Its only 25* outside and for some reason, even though the furnace is on and running, it feels cold in the house.
You know how things are not going well at my house right now? I feel off kilter most days. Like I am only half here. Like something/someone is missing. Like I just am waiting for something/someone. Like I am empty.
I was going about my day shopping, cleaning, doing errands, more cleaning and mucking out yesterday when he stopped by to bring me a new furnace filter. He then helped me with some light bulbs I couldn't reach. He gave me a hug and suddenly all was right. I wasn't off kilter anymore.
But I was confused. Because that isn't supposed to happen. Because he is a lying, cheating, narcissitic fool. And mean. And a bully. And I know it.
So why is my heart betraying me? Again? Why does it hope and wish? And love? And hurt? Mostly hurt?
And why did my trembling lips tell him I miss him? And then name all the reasons why?
Because I know who he really is. The him I married. The him that is hiding from all his pain and hurt and disappointment. The him that is hiding behind his foolish pride thinking that he can run from his pain, hurt and disappointment and it will all go away. Why can't he realize that the only way to make it go away is to face it, call it what it is, and forsake it and be humble?
Because I have had some powerful spiritual experiences surrounding him doing just that. And the knowledge of what would be if he would just do it.
And that is why my heart is hurting today. Why my world is not so black and white as I would like it to be. I can't just shut the door to my heart, to my prayers, to my eternity and walk away.
And so I do what my attorney tells me to do. And I try and distance myself and not turn to him for help any more than in emergencies or when the kids need him. And I cry and try not to. But I still pray. I know it seems foolish and stupid on my part, but what if Alma quit praying the day before, or the parents of the Prodigal Son? Either we believe in repentance, forgiveness, and the transformation power of the Atonement or we don't. And until the judge's ink is dry I can't stop. I made covenants and can't discard them just because he has.
And until the Lord tells me otherwise, I will keep them and pray for him and pray for my heart to stop being troubled when he is not here.
And sleep. I'll always pray for sleep.