Sunday, June 30, 2013

Information Please

So, after 28 years I am single again.  The kids keep telling me what they want in a new husband for me. They have him all outlined. Tall, hot, rich.  And willing to play soccer.  Where does a person go to meet him?  Everyone says "on line"  Except Jake, he says that is where all the serial killers hang out.

One of my friends met her husband there and they are very happy.  My brother met his wife there and they are happy.  I decided I would give it a look.

First- you have to sign up in order to look.  And you have to pay if you want to talk to anyone. What do you talk about?  I'm a counselor I should have that one down, the getting to know someone by asking questions. "So hi, how's the weather? If you were a season which one would you be?  So how 'bout them Yankees?"

Second- It feels like shopping.  Pull out the Montgomery Ward's catalog, turn to the men section and place order. 

Third- I have to write an introduction, an about me, how I spent my summer vacation.  Then I have to hope that it was interesting enough that someone will stop and look, read my essay and then place their order.  Am I Montgomery Ward, JC Penney, Sears,Spiegl's?  What if the guy I place my order for is a Zappo's or Old Navy guy?  Someone want to write the thing for me?

Fourth- all the guys that have so far wanted to chat with me are as old as my dad or young enough to be my son and those guys haven't finished high school.  Did they not notice I have a master's degree? Or do they just want someone to take care of them.  Matt says that the old guys have money and I would only have to deal with them for a few years so....

Fifth- some of the questions are... interesting.  "How many bones have you broken?"  Really? because that is important when choosing a spouse (because let's get real, you may say you just want a friend but you are on a single's site)  And it seems that once you click your age there should be custom questions because how do I answer "Do you want children?"  I have seven so is that a yes?  Or a no? because it seems that no would mean I don't want the ones I have.  "Do you have children and want more?"  Um, again check my age. I have grandkids.  And there is no "I have kids, don't want to give birth/adopt more, but if you have kids that is ok" option.

I think the questions should be more along the lines of "do you have insurance" " does it have good coverage"   "Do you have a job" "how long have you been employed there" "Can you support a family" " Do you still live with your mother and why"  Because there is a difference between "I moved back in with her because she is old and I was single"  and "I never moved out, I still sleep in the same room with the same posters that were on my wall when I graduated from high school"

Sixth- what is up with the men saying that the woman they are looking for has to be a good/great kisser?  How am I supposed to know that?  I have only kissed 3 men and one of them I was married to for 28 years.  Am I supposed to go ask him?  First he would ask me why I want to know and then he would say "How am I supposed to know" because we had an inside joke about that from the first months of our marriage and then he wouldn't answer me.  So I am back to How am I supposed to know that?  And if he places his order, gets me and everything is perfect if I don't pass that test then I am thrown back into the pond?

Seven- I have to post pictures.  Most of my pictures are either taken during my weight loss journey and taken by myself with my cell phone in front of the hall mirror.  Good for showing off an outfit or a change of weight, but not good for catching the eye of someone scrolling through the offerings.  Or they are family pictures.  You know where they place wives in posing those. Not a good picture for the occasion.  If there are snapshots of me somewhere, they aren't on my computer or in my camera.  And forget vacation shots.  For the last 28 years vacations were something to dream about, wish for and plan for someday because someone always "had to work"  I think we went to my parents' house maybe six or seven times and on a planned vacation twice.  In 28 years.  And when we were there I was the one taking the pictures.  But how can you purchase something you can't see?

And about that.  What if I am a good kisser but he doesn't like my picture?  Then he'll never know. And if he can't tell me then I guess I'll never know either. 

Eight- This feels like school dances all over again.  Dressing up, putting yourself out there hoping the hot guy notices you in the sea of girls that are more self confident, cheer leaders, prettier, more... whatever.  I don't know.  I am beginning to think that if the Lord wants me married He is going to have to plop him down in front of me and tell us both that that is the plan.

In the mean time, I think I'll just go clean something.



Karlene said...

I like the have the Lord plop him down in front of you route. Worked for me. But if you do post a photo, I love the one of you by the fountain where you're looking up at the camera.

Sheila Staley said...

I agree with everything you said. I wish the Lord would just plop good men down in front of us. Most days I'm too tired to even think about dating. Great post!

Cami said...

Been there, done that. I did actually meet someone, but after a year and a half of dating, he decided that my life is so busy and I have so much on my plate that he was "scared for me," and so he left. Charming. I'm with you and the other two...plop one down in front of me because I'm not doing LDS singles again. :-)