Sunday, August 11, 2013


Life is hard. Sometimes more than other times. And for me the last few years have been almost a hell on earth with the emotional roller coaster we have been taken on.  And many times I don't see the protecting hand of the Lord even though it is there.  I sit in church, read the church magazines, listen to conference and through it all there are miracles and people get bright neon colored glow in the dark answers to their prayers both spoken and unspoken.

Me? Not so much. I go along, do what I am supposed to and get.... nothing.  And yet I plod along day after day putting one foot in front of the other all the while whispering "I can't do this, I can't do this" and yet I do it anyway despite my murmurings and complainings and wonder when I get the neon miracle or answer.

I don't know why some are granted the obvious, big, bold, labeled for the world to see answers/blessing. But I do know that we all get answers/blessing whether we see them and acknowledge them or not.

I have decided to read the Book of Mormon cover to cover each and every month that Jake is on his mission.  In fact I started last month so today I am on day 11 of reading it this way the second time through. By the time he gets home I will have read it 26 times.

Now I want to make a point here.  I decided in December to spend this year going back to basics to help my fragile, broken heart and family to heal.  Immediately I was released from Relief Society and put in Junior Primary. And each and every experience has brought me to my knees to just have Father help make through just one more day. And some days it was just one more hour.  I had to start all over learning to rely on my Heavenly Father and most of those days I felt as if I was ignored and forgotten. In my broken state I was lost and alone and lonely.

Last month as I read in the Book of Mormon I was reminded of all that the Nephites went through and the cycle they repeated over and over until their own iniquity brought about their destruction.  I was reminded that sometimes bad things happen to us at the hands of others not so much so that we will suffer, but so that their punishments will be just.  And I cried for the spiraling downward of a loved one into the depths and pits of iniquity knowing that because of his behavior and consequent discarding of us will bring about just punishment for him.  And I was sad.

But still wanted my packaged neon miracle or blessing just the way I ordered it.  Hadn't I suffered enough? Gone through enough? Wasn't I good enough?

Then somehow a page or links or something started showing up in my Facebook feed and it dealt with how to heal from the very thing my family had experienced.  Even though I have a degree in Psychology and a degree in Counseling, this was new information to me and what wasn't new was presented in exactly the way I needed it to start the long, arduous process of healing. And it has helped me put in place some things to help me. A blessing, just not gift wrapped with candles but a blessing non the less.

As I started reading The Book of Mormon again this month I noticed another theme that seemed to be repeated in almost every chapter.  I have read this book numerous times over the past 50 years and never noticed how often this is repeated: 

That we have to come unto Christ and build a sure foundation in and through Him.  I knew this, I just hadn't realized how often it was repeated other than the above scripture.  I have read it in every single days reading this month.

This month's Ensign is full of articles on receiving personal revelation and the coming back to basics that we need to do and the keep on slogging on even when we are tired and then we will receive that which we are asking for.Another blessing if I take the time to read and ponder and study?

This morning I was watching KBYU while getting ready for church.  They were rebroadcasting a devotional given earlier this month. The speaker spoke about things that had happened in his families lives starting with his 3rd great grandmother and an experience their family had after the Hanns Mill Massacre. I was only half listening because that was one of those neon wrapped miracles I was talking about.  Then he went on to talk about the song they sang earlier in the meeting- that I missed because it was before I turned on the t.v.

In every condition- in Sickness and health,
in poverty's vale or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land or the sea
As they days my demand,
so they succor shall be.

**Succor= to come quickly To give assistance to in time of want, difficulty, or distress

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, 
For I am they God and will still give thee aid.
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

**omnipotent= unlimited power

When through the deep waters I call thee to go
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow,
For I will be with thee, they troubles to bless
And sanctify to thee,thy deepest distress

**sanctify= to make holy

When through fiery trials they pathway shall lie
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and they gold to refine

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hall should endeavor to shake
I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

And I realized that even though my miracles are not the ones I have begged for and are not happening the way I want and are not bright glow in the dark neon, they are there anyway.  They are there when I get up every morning and make it through the day. They are there when I crave reading my scriptures before doing anything else. They are there when my son gives an awesome talk in church in preparation to go to Canada to teach the gospel to those that don't have it. They are there when I am not looking and He is succoring me and helping me and causing me to stand even if I don't realize it.

They are there.


Anna Maria Junus said...

Beautiful post. I too have had the same struggles not understanding why people around me get the big beautiful blessings while I seem to be ignored.

Ashley Sorenson said...

You do mom but God is giving you the ones you need most right now I believe he wants you to find yourself again and be happy with just you.