PTSD

I hate PTSD.  I have worked hard to overcome the effects and put the feelings to rest.  To re-frame my  world and the way I view it and the people in it.  I have learned what my triggers are and how to deal with them. I can spot them and breath through them. And I have almost eliminated the people in my life that bring those triggers with them.  And I have gone No Contact with most of them to the extent that I can.

Then today happened.  My sweet sister in law has planned a family gathering.  There was a time that I would have been the one planning the gathering. And stressing over it. I haven't been to a family gathering in a very long time.  I am thinking probably Labor Day 2006 ish.  And the last three years I have been a virtual recluse when it come to even speaking to anyone in my family except my parents.  So when I got the e-mail about the family gathering my first thought was- Sweet! It has been too long. This could be so nice.

Then the stupid PTSD kicked in.  See I have a sibling that treats me the way the kids' dad did.  And from all appearances this sibling delights  in my discomfort and pain and takes every opportunity possible to say things to hurt me.And I know there is the possibility that this sibling doesn't mean for it to be that way. And that they possibly have no idea what their words and actions do to me. And that they are confused and hurt by my reaction to them. But the truth is that it does hurt me and I do react and I lash out and I hate that because it is not right on my part. Even if they are doing it on purpose (which I have no idea one way or the other) I still should not lash out. But I do. And I have spent the last two hours in tears at the mere thought of spending even five minutes in the same room as this sibling.

I am a grown woman. I am strong and I am capable and I can stand on my own two feet.  But I don't know if I can go spend time with my family.

---

Indeed