After my last post I thought that perhaps someone might get the wrong impression about my sibling mentioned there. I don't want to leave the impression that my sibling is a mean person because that would be a lie. They aren't. In fact in the past year I can think of a couple of times that I was the mean one, the rude one, the one that was wrong, wrong, wrong.
Here is where the problem lies. This sibling has a way of saying or doing things that evokes a Pavlovian response in me and usually it is the wrong way to respond, but respond I do. And try as I might I can't seem to make it right between us. So, I stopped trying because no matter what it will never be good enough. I will never be good enough. Even if I were to crawl on my hands and knees across the burning desert it would never be enough. True or no that is how I feel.
Let me explain. When this sibling feels that something is amiss they want to make it right. Now. Now. Right now. When I have been wounded- real or perceived- I need to pull back, lick my wounds and figure out how to proceed. Analyze. Feel sorrow and the need to reconnect and make it right. And if you pick at me, follow me around, demand that I apologize, speak to you, do it your way, say that you are right and grovel ten ways to Sunday it is going to take me longer because for the last 28 years I have been taught that that is just a set up to even deeper pain. I will feel backed into a corner and I will eventually begin to lash out like a wounded animal. And I will be stubborn and dig in my heels and refuse to be moved.
Even if I know I was wrong to respond the way I did.
For 28 years there was never any compassion. Forgiveness. Understanding. Just picking, picking, picking and setting up for the next fall from grace. And my sibling is unfortunate enough to use the same words, and inflections and timing or whatever.
So please don't think my sibling is a mean, horrible person. Because this time it isn't them it is me.
But I still don't know if I can do family time right now.